Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
