I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
