New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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