why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
