he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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