My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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