I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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