Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
