I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Randomize
