I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
