theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
