i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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