Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
