I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
