Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
