Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm too high and old for this...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
