I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
