You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
