someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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