If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
