I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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