I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You are the jesus of drinking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
