there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
