i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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