Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
