my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
