Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
