Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
