he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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