Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
