I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
50% drunk capacity currently
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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