I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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