I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
