She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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