I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
