he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
