also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
