Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
