i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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