happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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