How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
