i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
