I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
