It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
