Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
