Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
