Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
