Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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