I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
