singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
