And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
