Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
