Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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