I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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