At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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