Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
