I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
