She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
