Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
