oh god the rape fog is back!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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