We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
