i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
is that a dick in a sweater?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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